4:44 experience (Dec 19th 2017)
The night began with four big screens. Sound effects, blaring music and the image of the man we all came see pops up. I’m so excited I couldn’t stand myself. I’ve waited all year to be here. This night. This moment.
Mr. Sean Carter himself hits the stage with the song “Kill Jay-Z”. No one on this planet can say my brother, sister in law, best friend and I aren’t super way back when fans. Every word verbatim flows out of us as if Jay-Z were standing in front of us judging who did it better. 
I have been closer, at a show in 2008. That night at the House of Blues on Sunset can never be topped, but this night in December of 2017, I believe I matured to Jay-Z. We went down many lanes with songs like “Big Pimpin”, “99 problems”, “Dirt off your sholders” and made a curve into “Bam” from the 4:44 album. Naturally that’s one of my jams. Sister Nancy blaring in ya speakers with Damian Marley featured. The hook dropped and the lyrics came from my mouth loudly, “Fuck all this pretty Sean Carter shit, nigga Hov!” 
It is crazy how emotional I get over certain songs like my all time favorite “Song Cry”. It is unexplainable but “Song Cry” holds a special place in my heart.
The song he pays homage to his mother with, “Smile” just so happens to have a speacial meaning to me and my mother as well. Yes I sang that one too, loud and off key but word for word. “Bad times turn to good memories, Smile. Even when I’m gone and you remember me, Smile”.
My best friend would say I lost my mind when I heard the into to “P.S.A”. Especially after fully convincing myself I would not hear it this tour. “ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF. MY NAME IS HOV”!!! As loud as I could, I spit every line like it was my track. I wanted to remind everyone in my section I’m cute but this is not a game. (Lol) “Nobody built like you, you design yaself”.
My family knows I take this serious and it is never a question of “is Tia going to the Jay-Z concert, they know I am.
“Allure” from the black album was blended with “Dead Presidents” and to my surprise a lot of people around me were lost. I call them “radio fans” because they know only the songs on the radio. Allure just so happens to be a song my brother and I bond on. It somehow always makes sense of the shit I can’t let go of. At times he’ll revert back to the line “I solemnly swear to change my approach…” (if you’re true fan you know how it goes). “We’re all hustlers in love with the same thing, it’s just life”
The night ended with a amazing tribute to Chester Bennington, the lead singer from Linkin Park, and the track “Numb/Encore. (Clip below)
The stadium lit up with everyone’s cell phones. It was a great way to end a high volume night. I am very happy I got to share another experience with my siblings and this time my best friend. It felt like High school again, except we all had to work the next day (lol). Well, I didn’t….Hopefully if and WHEN Jay-Z tours again, San Diego is on the roaster because his biggest fan (Me) will be there. Thanks for a awesome show HOV 4:44
Let the New Year ring
As the final hours of 2017 wine down, most are getting ready for the nights festivities, I chose to reflect.
So here is my letter to the year 2017…
Dear 2017,
I am happy to see you go. I truly enjoyed your stay though you weren’t always good to me. We started in a dark space. I thought I would die in those first 5 months because of what I thought was “Love”. I’m not just speaking the love between man and woman but friendships to. Though we agreed not to bring 2016 problems into your business 2017, you allowed that miserable man in. I know, I know it wasn’t all on you, I begged you to let him come and you opened the door.
You were rough when you closed that door on him and took a friend with you. I know the words spoken against me were false, but you know they hurt too. People say if you are true friends you’ll talk it out and move forward, so if that day never comes I guess the friendship was never real. Considering the investment, that’s a hard pill to swallow and flat out will piss any one off, but 2017 you keep that anger. You keep every lie ever spoken against my name. You keep every tear (and I cried enough for 5 years).
2017 you took some people who will never go on passed you. Though victory is in meeting our creator, those of us going on to 2018 will never forget those who live in our hearts. My family was hit twice and I am grateful for those who know my heart and held my back while I held others.
2017 I became wiser during your time. Every now and again isolation is needed to find ones self. As I approach the 35th chapter of my life I know who I am and, she deserves to be loved for every great side and flaw. Thank you for consistent, crazy, beautiful, handsome, smart, witty, ballzy friends!! Thank you for family. Some we are still working towards something, others I choose to leave the door closed but not locked. A few… I see you and will see you in the near future and no excuse will be needed.
Nessiya, I hope 2017 was good to you. 2018 is the year of 13 so let’s go on this adventure as a team. Mom is your forever biggest fan. Remember the lessons I taught you while you endured this year with me. Forgive me for the days I fell short on being there for you.
Now 2017 as far as those who I can’t harp on anymore, wish them the best. Pave the way for a better year in 2018. I know that’s big of me considering most wish hell for me (Lol). I know what you’re thinking but what good does it do me to wish a firery pit of hell for anyone, especially the light skin issue.
Cheers to you 2017, hello 2018! May you bring good health, prosperity, wide openers (cause baby I’m coming for my spot), love, prosperity, travels and God, lots of God in everything!!
Happy New Year All!!!
-Bonafide
The reformed Bougie Christian.
Sitting up, really pondering why it seems that as soon as some one finds Jesus they become mean and bougie in the worst way? I truly do not understand where a new found walk with God entitles you to be mean and nasty.
I’m truly not speaking on any specifics but definitely from experiences. Have you ever been a guest at someone’s church and the minute you walk into the building, you want to run out the door because it feels uncomfortable, and the vibe feels evil? Maybe I am on my own with this one.
Once, I actually tried to be the “bigger person” regarding a young lady who really hated me. I was asked by mutual friends to attend her church as a surprise for her birthday. I prayed hard on it, and thought no one would try to beat my face in at a church would they?
I attended the service that morning with our mutual friends and the welcome for me was not so warm. Her mother walked up to the group and she being the minister who brought the message, I thought she would be mature, but it was the exact opposite. She made statements that were obvious in regards to her daughter’s problem with me. Now I do understand defending your offspring, but this was a nice gesture, I thought. I never went back to that church and well the girl still hates my guts ten years later.
I’ve had plenty of open discussions with friends and family about “religion” and why they do not attend church, and I understand the hurt and the pain behind the reasons. There is no argument. Judgement has become the job of the church goers!
God did not come to your place of worship and tell you judge anyone who walks through those doors. I believe he’d have to check your background first.
I’ve been hurt deep by the church and it’s goers. I’ve trusted people with certain things and they dropped me like a bad habit or infection. I have witnessed death due to the church. People died over the heart break of the church.
I like listening to the generation behind mine to get a feel for how they feel about church. I take their thoughts and feelings serious because if they show a interest they have a need to know.
I thought Jesus wanted everyone to believe, not just you and your house. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and feel free to open a discussion. I don’t want to be responsible for failing our children because some want to act entitled like that’ll get you into heaven faster.
Untitled
The weapon of choice
A vocabulary never used to pierce through the soul
It forms phrases that are carried on the winds hitting one directly in the face
Now blinded by the hurt
Walking through the shadows
Lost in the dark
Love succeeded by blinding the soul
Now lost in a sea of lies
Hardened by stories sold
No love for the withering flower
No remorse for the heart scorned.
Move on
Never look back
What seemed like forever had a ending
At its end you should begin ….
To live
Isn’t it funny (not really)….
I have often times been called bitter, due to my lack of excitement for those who showed no excitement for me. Often times I’m considered jealous because my dad didn’t love me but my daughters dad loves her.
I am told I will remain in this stage in life if I never let go of being raped and abused by someone who said the words “I love you”.
At least once a day I hear I’ve built walls no one cares to help tear down, but I remember when I put on my hard hat and tore down walls for you.
No one came to my aid or ask if I’m ok but I’m considered bitter. I’m only worthy of a friend when I’m giving you my time or my money but where were you when he almost killed me? Oh that’s right it never happen to me because it’s ME right? So okay I’ll be bitter because I’m a survivor.
Someone loves me and doesn’t mind going through my journey with me. People say “get over it” but it’s something a person lives with every day. The worst phrase used towards a survivor is “get over it!” Would you tell a war Veteran to just get over it? Or a mother who lost her child in anyway, gun violence, accident or illness, would you tell her to just get over it? People should really think about what they put out before it makes a u-turn into their lives. Trust me I speak from experiences.
I’m happier living in my truth, rather than covering up my past to make others comfortable around me. I wear my scars out loud so other can be liberated. They win when you’re quiet. You cannot heal what you will not reveal.
-Tia Chay
Self never forget me
Life can throw you a curve ball sometimes. The ones you love most can throw knives to your chest in the form of words.
Sure it’s said with love and compassion but doesn’t it hurt like a broken piece you admire so much
Take each cut because you’re strong
Fight the urge to scream because you’re not weak
No tears will fall to floor you will catch them all with each breath and each step striving to be free
Free from baggage free from bondage free from pain.
No tears will fall
Stand up
It hurts but they need to know
Get up get up
Dear 2015…
Dear 2015,
I’m coming to you from the Southern parts of Cali. You were good to me. We had way to many roller coaster rides and a few I did get sick on, but overall I was blessed.
Here we are at the end, and well even though I’ve had those rides with you I thought maybe just this one night you’d let me not get on any rides at the park.
This is my favorite day of the year and yet we had to visit the theme park.
You say its thrilling… yes this night should be thrilling not heart breaking and yet with every tick on the track I can feel my heart cracking like glass.
You’re suppose to have fun you say, yes I am, but everytime the picture goes dark I feel disappointment come in it comfortable place called my brain.
Oh 2015 you gave me new perspectives on life and letting things be while I proceed on to a new page.
So why must I enter into 2016 with so much pain?
Bona’Fide
Dear Black Woman
Dear Black Woman,
I apologize for abandoning you & leaving you to fend for yourself in a world as cruel as it is cold. I should have supported you when you offered to be apart of the struggle. But the struggle was an internal one as well as an external one, & I was losing on both fronts. I got mad at you for straightening your hair, for slow dancing in the arms of white men, for challenging my manhood & comparing it to other races. I hated the way the System divided us by promoting you & demoting me, but instead of uniting with you & having your back, I attacked you & left you alone in your grief. I apologize for leaving you for the other side soon as I got money or fame. I know it hurt you to see me betray you so quickly, so easily, & so often. I had you feeling as though you were not worthy to be in my arms when the opposite was true. I was not worthy of yours. I apologize for calling you a “bitch” & a “hoe” & treating you like a sexual object in my music, & in the streets, & amongst my homeboys. I felt powerless & frustrated, lost in maze of self-hatred. I raped you, & pimped you, & beat you, & cursed you, & tried to destroy you in the same way I felt destroyed. The pressures of society triggered the implosion that almost destroyed everything inside of me. And you got caught up in the blast because you were always so determined to stand firmly by my side. I apologize for cheating on you, abusing you, & leaving you as soon as you got pregnant. I pretended like the child wasn’t mine. I even asked you to kill the baby because I knew I wasn’t responsible enough to rear him/her properly. When you refused, I reluctantly tossed you a few dollars each month & felt like that’s all I had to do to be a father. I apologize for turning you into a single mother instead of a happy wife. I apologize for encouraging you to be materialistic. I dumped my money into the same System that was destroying me & tried to impress you with expensive cars, platinum jewelry, & Polo gear. I fooled you into thinking that the measure of a man was in his bank account or in the size of the knot in his front pocket. You jumped into the front seat of my Lexus, happy because your friends were now envious of you, as we both sped down a dead end road at one hundred miles per hour. As a result, many black men who didn’t own a Lexus were ignored & even dismissed by you. I had you believing that your love came with a price tag. I apologize for the late night booty calls. You wanted to talk, to cuddle, & to explore the depth of my character. I only wanted sex. I called you when I was horny & only reached out to you when I saw that you were slipping away. I should have talked to you & opened up to you. Instead, I trusted only my homeboys and factored you out of the equation. And I apologize for turning you against your friends & family members. I was jealous of their influence over you. I was afraid that you would listen to them when they told you that I was not good for you. I didn’t have a job, & when I did, I used it as a weapon against you. When wise sisters told you to raise your standards, I persuaded you to lower them. I had you thinking that you had to have a man, any man, to be complete. And I apologize for that.
I murdered you many times, sister. Yet, incredibly, amazingly, you didn’t die. Not even once.
And this serves as the ultimate testimony to your true greatness.
Think on it then STOP
Hey All,
So it’s been a about a week and Halloween has passed. The holidays are approaching and most are filled with thanks and cheer.
While having a general conversation one day, we both wondered why is it once a friendship ends, why are women so petty as to reveal the things the other person has done? I say women, because for the most part it generally is a woman.
For example, you use to be friends with or hang out with “Her”. You and “her” have a dispute and walk away from the friendship. Years pass and you start a friendship with another woman, who is also friends with “Her”. Why is it “her” responsibility to “warn” or inform the new friend about you and your past?
I’ve seen this happen in relationships. Women don’t like the fact that this man found happiness with the woman so you tell that man everything you know about that woman from 10 years ago. Who gave you that right?
If she is not speaking on you why make it you operation to “destroy” her? So often I see and hear women speak about empowerment and women’s equality, yet they pull acts such as this.
Think about it. Then think on when you may have done it.
Then stop! Let those people live
Bona’Fide
Bonafide Clearly States It 